Fears

Now that labor and delivery is just around the corner, I have to admit that I am happy and excited but very much scared and anxious as well. Jojo and I have been attending childbirth classes. I’ve been reading baby books and browsing pregnancy websites. I’ve joined mommy support groups, and, of course, have been getting so much advice from family, friends and colleagues that have gone through childbirth. Sometimes all this knowledge is great and I feel completely empowered knowing what I know. But there are also times when all this information is overwhelming and quite frankly just a little bit daunting.

My childbirth instructor, Pat, told me that if I have any worries or fears about childbirth, I should write them down. Sometimes verbalizing a fear means recognizing it and is the first step in letting it go. Pat encouraged me to write about my fears – journal-style, acknowledge my fears, and “let them go”. I’m pretty sure I can do part of that – writing my fears and acknowledging them is pretty easy. I’m not so sure about the “letting them go” part. But it’s worth a try …

Here are my fears … in no particular order:
1.) Making sure I deliver a normal, healthy baby. I keep thinking about my last 9 months of pregnancy and am paranoid that I did something that hurt Jamie’s development or may make her ill. Like maybe I didn’t take as much vitamins or eat as healthy as I should. I worry about those nights when I slept on my back or found myself waking up asleep on my belly (did I squish her?). Or how I stubbornly wore shoes with heels till my 9th month when everyone was telling me I shouldn’t. The list goes on …
2.) Wanting a natural delivery rather than a C-section. I’ve been hearing horror stories about C-sections and how recovering from one is an ordeal. I’ve never been hospitalized for anything in my life so I don’t know what my recovery rate for any major type of operation will be. But I want to be sure I’m strong enough to take care of my baby after I deliver.
3.) The pain associated with a natural childbirth. I keep hearing stats about how delivering a first baby is usually 16-20 hours of labor. I like to think I have a relatively high tolerance for pain. But then again, I haven’t had much “pain” in my life to really have a good idea about my tolerance level. I’m so scared that I won’t be able to handle it.
4.) I will ask for pain medication. I don’t think I could do without it. But this is how deep set my paranoia is … I’m scared that even with the meds, the pain will still be bad. I’ve heard that happening.
5.) I’m afraid that even with a natural delivery I may tear and still need sutures. Enough said about that.

Okay … I’ve now verbalized and acknowledged my fears … how do I start letting them go?!