The Dream

I had "the dream" again last night. It's been a while since I've last had that particular dream. I haven't missed it at all and am actually angry that it's back. I used to have that dream very regularly (back when stress and pressure were regular parts of my day!). I thought I had gotten over it ... but apparently not.

The dream starts out rather innocently. In it, I am back in school (I can't really tell if it's high school, college or even graduate school). I am chatting excitedly with friends while waiting for class to start. Then the mood starts to shift. The teacher/professor walks in and announces a test. A big, important test that will determine if we pass or fail the entire year. A test that will determine if we become successful or failures in life. A test so important, everyone has been studying for it for the last couple of months. Everyone but me! In my dream, I realize, I don't even know about the test. I try to protest but the papers are shoved in front of me and a giant clock starts ticking. I look down at the paper and see the most mind-stumping Math problems (Math being my waterloo!). I notice everyone hurriedly scribbling away while I sit in cold sweat and too panicked to even write. I can hear the clock steadily ticking and I am in a real state of panic. I usually wake up during this scene. The dream always seems so real - I can feel my heart racing and my pulse quickening - I have to take a few minutes to remember where I am and to mentally reassure myself that I am done with school and that it was just a dream.

Back when I was working, I use to have this dream very often. It would usually coincide with my having a rather stressful day or when I am anticipating a huge project. I chalked it up to the fact that it was stress and pressure playing with my mind. My dad would tell me to relax and try not to let it get to me. It never really worked since I don't really handle stress all too well. I finally left that job and the dreams stopped. Last night was a shocker. I think I am starting to feel stressed again. It's been almost 2 months of job searching and nothing has come up yet. I mean, there have been some interesting nibbles here and there, but no concrete offer yet. Plus, I started this whole job search with very idealistic goals. I had this whole list of things I would look for in my next job and how I didn't want to have to compromise anymore. But lately, the market has been so awful that my list of idealistic goals have been narrowed down rather quickly. Of course, it's not just me, it's the whole country! Every one is still reeling from the effects of the recession and unemployment rates are still at an all time high. I know of friends and family who are in the same boat as I am. I know I am still lucky because we can still afford to be a one-income household and my family and friends have been extremely supportive. Jojo has been an absolute gem throughout all this. An incredible, loving, supportive, understanding, absolute gem! I can not stress enough how much he has been there for me. But just the same, I am still feeling pressured to find a job. It's been almost 2 months, and I have been willing to compromise, for crying out loud!

Okay, okay, I am going to calm down now. I had to get it off my chest. Jojo suggested I take today off from job searching and just relax and do things I enjoy. I think he's right. Looking for a job is almost a full time job and I need a break! So no more dwelling on this situation, and certainly no more stressful or pressuring thoughts - at least for today. I am going to RELAX and take it easy. I will also have to make a conscious effort to just go with the flow, to stay positive and to just keep at it. I know it'll have to work out soon.